My superego has been working overtime the past few weeks.

It is comforting to know that i'm learning to control and express my emotions in a positive way, but at the same time i'm horrified at the hypocrite i think i've become.

Its good that i do not act on impulse but actually sit back to observe before i make an overall evaluation of the situation. On the other hand, i think i've lost my spunk. i'm doing too much of 'stand back and watch' that i do not make spur of the moment decisions which could totally change things around instead of just waiting for things to pan out.

I've become passive *gasp* stupid girl...

Scenario example:

Scene #1: The shut up and dance.

i have a partner whom i honestly think can do with a little less talking and more dancing. i used to have a partner who didn't speak at all - see...be careful what you wish for...it might just come true in the weirdest way ever~. On one hand, he's not talking nonsense (i mean, if i dig a little deeper, i do think some are nonsensical), but i mean, he talks about how the dance steps we are doing should be, not what he ate for dinner last night lah.

Logically, this is good. But he nags. A lot. i don't think everything he says is correct. i clearly think some things he says are outright wrong. Like saying that my timing is out, when a 3rd person can verify that HE is the wrong one.

What did i do then? Did i put my foot down and say 'No, I'm correct; You are wrong'?

No. I just smiled and said 'Let's try again'.

It sometimes gets absurdly tiring to have a partner who thinks that you are forever having something lacking and every step you take needs change. This premise is based on his own opinions, which arguing against is equivalent to talking to a greek statue.

i'm kinda tired of wanting to start arguments knowing that it'll lead nowhere. His previous partner had crying bouts of arguments which not surprisingly ended in a failed attempt during competition. Why did i agree to dance with him again?

Sigh.

I believe in giving second chances. And i believe i can learn something out of this. Something OTHER than patience.

This man has got to be one of the most opinionated (read: egoistical) i've ever met.

But i appreciate the fact that he takes the time to practice and 'yuen jiu' the steps and share (read: impose) them with me. And i also appreciate the fact that tonight, he actually admitted that not everything he says is correct. Given his ego, i bet that was extremely difficult.

To give myself credit, i think i'm an extremely patient partner to have. i put up with a lot of nonsense with the hope that one day this person would come to his/her senses and realize that being outspoken has its limitations and that respect for other people's boundaries is as important as it is to state one's right to his/her opinions.

Hence the hypocritical part. My superego has certain cracks. Very few things leave a dent in it, but when the correct nerve is struck, all hell breaks loose.

i'm a control freak. i admit it. i give in, but never in all. This is part of what made me the person i am today. My focus, my discipline, my concentration, all stems from my ability to control.

So, when my partner pointed out that another of my weakness was that i kept controlling his movement, he struck a nerve big time.

Yea...i lost control because of control issues. How oxymoronic.

My ego would have immediately looked him in the eye, told him he is the over-controlling one, and walk out of the room.

But no, thank goodness my superego kicked in. Yes, my blood pressure shot up, yes, my face went red, yes, my heartbeat increased dramatically, and yes, i couldn't stop the subtle movement of both my hands from hanging loosely at my side to being clenched at the waist. But, i bit my tongue...literally. i knew that if i opened my mouth, i would regret.

So, being a picture of (somewhat) calm, i continued dancing with him for a good 10 minutes or so, taking in more verbal comments which in my mind, had entered the grey area between criticism and abuse.

We remained cordial, we chatted after practice, then we went home.

And the moment i got away from him, all i wanted to do was come here and RANT!!!

Yes. Hypocrite I am. So much for the masked patience...i would do so well at masquerades...