I'm tired.

I'm stuck with my Psy1 assignment. I haven't thought about my Psy1 research. I have an essay review to complete. I have minutes to type. I have accounts to do. I have a database to update. I just want to sleep.

While I was on my way out to somewhere a few days ago, I happen to see this sluggy thingy crawling its way on the floor towards the shoe rack. I thought it was a slug, but on closer inspection, I realised that it was a caterpillar....most likely a moth's.

As I walked to wherever I was going, I suddenly remembered one of my childhood past times: Catching caterpillars. Hehe...I'm not joking! There used to be this plant outside of my house near the dustbin. Lime plant I think...it's leaves are used for cooking. Very fragrant. It used to be very difficult to find a perfect leaf, because the plant was infested with caterpillars. They love the smell.

I forgot what prompted me to catch the caterpillars and rear them, but I did. I still remember. I used the round Mother's Choice marjerin container, and put the caterpillars in it. I'd cover the container with a netting like piece of cloth. I don't remember what was it...it was used to cover something till it tore I think...and kept it in place with a rubberband. I placed the container on the wooden shoe rack, just under the window of the living room. I fed them leaves of that lime plant. And they eat at an amazing rate. They bite off the leaves using pincer-like thingys on their mouths. They had a pair of feeler-like thingy that pokes out in all directions before they 'walk'. Their 'legs' were like tiny stoppers, and each segment of their body had a pair. The back legs would push it's butt forward, and the second last pair of legs would follow, and the third last...all the way till it gets to the front and it moves forward. From just a 1cm caterpillar, it'd grow to become a 1 1/2 inch fat and green crawly thingy...in just a week or so. When the time comes, it'll weave a cocoon, normally stuck to the side of the container. The cocoon starts out as green in colour, and as the days pass, it'll turn brownish, and finally black...the colour of the butterfly. After about 10 days, I'd come home from school to find a flapping butterfly in the container. It's usually black at the tip of its wings, with yellow patches in the middle, and occassionally red ones too. Of course, the butterfly would be released.

I remember getting a 'cacat' butterfly once. One of the wings were smaller than the other. It couldn't fly. So, I picked it up and put it at the...er...the...aiyah...what flowers are those called?? It's jejarum in BM. I don't remember the English name. But it died a few days later.

I don't know why I stopped doing that. Was it because I got my hamsters? I don't remember. Hehe...if it was, that I've just proven one of Freud's theory (I think) about lifespan development....that we would always be attracted by new things and forget about the old ones. Hm...or was it because dad chopped down the tree?? I don't think so...I remember the tree being there when I was in sec school...but there were no more caterpillars.

Since I woke up this morning, I lost count of the times I ran for the toilet. Everything that went in came out the other way.

My back feels like breaking. I have to figure out another position for my laptop. I can't sit on the floor any longer. By the time I finish my research on the net and typing out my assignments, I'd be Quasimodo's best pal.

I don't know why my simple assignment is giving me a headache. I think I'm reading too much into it. But that's good, isn't it? I'm learning more by reading deeper. I don't believe in asking questions. I don't get answers...Classic example? I emailed my lecturer this morning, asking 'How did we learn how to smile?' He answered by saying, 'That's for you to tell me.' <sweat>

I need to oil my brains.

It's 2.55am. And I just finished dinner cum breakfast. Very very full...

Coming up to KL has definately changed me. I'm starting do things that would make my parents freak out if they were here...or if I were there...no la...I'm not doing drugs...I'm not smoking...hehe...Serious!

I just slept through a whole night without a padlock on my front gate.

Yeah. Remember me climbing over my own gate? Last night, well...actually, it was this morning...According to my housemate, my landlady asked someone to saw off the stucked lock. And the person did come...at 1am. Yours truly was, of course, dreaming of prince charming at Never Never Happen Land. When I heard my house mate opening the gate to throw out the rubbish this morning, I was surprised, coz 3 of them actually climbed the gate to go to Giant last night. Doesn't make sense that the lock became fine overnight...maybe Santa Claus came or something...I don't know.

Only then did I know that the lock had been saw-ed(is there such a word?) off. We spent the whole day without a padlock! Man...in a house full of girls some more... Well, considering that the gate is so easy to climb over, I don't think the lock would have made much difference...other than psychologically. Still, I went to buy a lock at Giant in the evening. So surprised the rest couldn't care less. My dad would have drove around the country to find a 24hour shop selling locks at 1am.

When I went to Giant to buy a lock, I found myself staring at a whole row of identical locks. Each lock comes with 4 identical keys. I picked one, then, I started wondering...Let's say that there are about 20 locks on sale here, does this mean that all 80 keys here can open this lock I'm holding? Tak kan every single lock has a different teeth combination and have different keys right?? There ARE only a certain number of combinations...what happens when the manufacturer runs out of combinations?? Means that I can open 19(or even more) other people's locks with my keys...sounds scary huh?

Anyway...the trip to Giant. I wanted to get coffee. White coffee. So, there was this lane in the middle of the hypermarket where all the sample booths are set up. One of them was promoting white coffee. I didn't notice it the first time I walked pass. I was offered 'pan mee' flavoured maggi mee. Cool huh? THe flavours that are coming up nowadays...anyway, not the point. The second time I walked pass, I was offered spaghetti. Duno la why that lady die die also don't wana let me try her coffee. The third time, I deliberately walked past, I still couldn't get to sample that coffee...I got Nescafe instead. Haiyoh...Is there 'I don't drink coffee' written on my forehead which only that lady can see or what? Haha...I'm not the type who'd go up and ask for it, so, fine...she lost one chance at a sale. I got another brand of coffee.

We went to celebrate Elaine's birthday at night. Surprised her at her house. Wow...I wish I can move into her house! It's so...it feels more like a home than mine. Well, grass is always greener on the other side. Hehe...She treated us to supper...at SS2. The food was great, and so was the drink. Which is why I'm so full now. I think I don't need breakfast and lunch later...digestive system work OT.

That place we went to eat...I have memories of that place. Not so nice ones anyway. That I want to forget. I was surprised we ended up there. Good thing we didn't bump into so-and-so who brought me there the last time. As compared to last time, I definately enjoyed this time 101% more.

Right...I still have homework to do...an assignment to think about. I HATE GROUP ASSIGNMENTS. Period. People have a tendacy of talking unrelated things in groups and I just think it's a waste of time. As it always happens with other assignments in the past, I'm now being passed the bulk of thinking and researching. Life is life. :-)

Yup...no joke. That's what I did.

It took me 5 minutes to open the lock on the gate this morning when I wanted to go out. The stupid lock. Turn the key halfway, and it gets stuck. Being gentle didn't work. Yanking it didn't either. When I finally got out, I was so paiseh...I have a friend who lives way further up the road. I saw her coming down from far away when I started Operation Open the Gate. And after she got past me house, I was STILL STUCK INSIDE.

Wow...I go through this phase of exasperation so often. I thought I'd be immuned by now, but everytime, it seems to get a notch higher in intensity.

Someone said something that to be angry or not is our choice...or something like that. Whatever...i'm in no mood to be philosophical.

This is weird. I just mentioned yesterday that I'm controlling my anger better now. And today, it was as though everything wanted to prove me wrong.

I don't show anger, but I think my brain transforms it to forgetfulness. Yeap. I can't find any other reason why and how I can manage to forget to take 2 of the things I can't live without, with me. My handphone, and my diary. I misplaced my phone. I left it on the table at the office...in full view of Tom, Dick, Harry, April, May, and June. I didn't even notice it till I reached class without it. When I wanted to call back to ask someone at the office to keep it for me, I realised that I don't remember anyone's phone number. One of the closest people to me at the Council at that. And I don't even remember his number...shows how reliant I am on that small thing we call handphones. Thank God he DID pick it up for me, and kept it till I went back after class.

Before I came home, I misplaced my diary, and didn't even know I left it behind til I was almost out of the college. And it happened just after I got mad again. Geez...I'm really really hoping its just me.

How appropriate...I stopped typing for a moment to listen to this on mp3.

When I am down, and oh my soul so weary

When troubles come, and my heart burden be...

I'm not so sure about the raising me up part tough...haha...ok...I wana go study. I want to figure out Gestalt tomight or I won't sleep in peace.

OK...so, maybe studying wasn't such a good idea after all.

Can barely understand whatever I'm reading on the net. Reification, isomorphism, extrapolation...???

Trying very hard to find out what is Gestalt. All the sites that I've went to gave berjela-jela explainations on who started it, who inspired who to start it, when it was used, who used it, where it came from, it's uses, it's basic laws, down to examples of Gestalt, theres even Gestalt therapy...but none said, 'Gestalt is...'

So?? What IS Gestalt?

Today was interesting. Made me think a lot. Brain a lil tired.

I think I'm getting a whole lot better in controlling my anger. Some small things still piss me off, but I can't remember them for long. I do get angry, but I find myself forgetting them more and more just a while after. Hm...am I getting more forgiving? Or am I getting forgetful? Haha...

But I still can't shake off having frustrations though. Things that are out of my control, but affect me somewhere along the line. I shouldn't be frustrated, I don't have any decisions to make. It's not me causing the problems, but somehow...ya la...I'm still human...haha...talking things out works to some extent...if I'm not caught in a chicken-duck orange-apple conversation, that is. Probably, I really really really must learn not to have expectations at all. No expectations, no disappointments...I suppose...I don't know.

Now that I'm more aware of myself, I think it puts me in a different dilemma. I think of how I was in the past, and I find myself catching myself at the right moment, just before I give the wrong reaction. But then again, it backfires in a way. I find trusted people telling me that I should be reacting the 'old' way. I'm not sure. I find myself giving lengthy explainations on why I think some things happen...and I unconsciously say at every end of the explaination :

I don't know...maybe it's just me...

Right...I don't even know myself well enough, and I'm trying to teach others to know themselves...how ironic.

Whats with chickens and ducks? Ducks and chicken don't get long very well la...like orange...not ngam with apples.