My paradise is...a home. My home. Well, not my curent home. An imaginery home.

C'mon people...lets take a look at the dictionary...

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk  =  I need to complain

Sure go ahead  =  I don't want you to

I'm not upset  =  Of course I'm upset, you moron

You're so manly  =  You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Be romantic, turn out the lights  = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient  = I want a new house

I want new curtains  = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper

I heard a noise  =  I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me?  =  I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me?  = I did something today you're going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute  = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

You have to learn to communicate  =  Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead

Haha...=)

I've been torturing myself. Tormenting my brain. Supressing my feelings. Enduring pain.

WHAT is my problem anyway? I went for my PAL session this afternoon. I thought I could finally let go of stuff that I'm not suppose to be holding on to. We had a long talk about my expectations. We talked about relationships. We talked about group dynamics. We talked about handling other people. I managed to stump the counselor. But in the end, what he pointed out was true; it does not matter how things are done, or even if they HAVE been done. What mattered most was how I feel about myself. I walked out of the counseling room leaving behind 10kg of weights. I was uplifted.

I was late for class; but it didn't bother me. The lecturer was annoying as usual; but it didn't bother me. We had groupwork again, which I hate; but it didn't bother me. My ears were insulted with grammatical errors and bad pronounciation; but it didn't bother me. I didn't agree with the work we produced for the groupwork; but it didn't bother me.

NOTHING bothered me...until I got my Psych 1 assignment report through email 10 minutes ago. It's supposed to be handed up tomorrow. I dealt with the tabulating of data, and my group members came up with the report. I felt as though a 1000 tonne weight just crashed down. My Psych 1 research paper is at stake. I don't understand this. My expectations are so low that I can't limbo under them. But the standard of the report...my dear  God...I can't express how frustrated I am right now. I'm exasperated. I'm at my wits end. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm disappointed. I'm on the verge of giving up.

I hate this. It's not me. Why am I feeling this way?

I am feeling as though someone just kicked me in the ribs. Now I know what muscles are used when coughing. It's really as though there's a huge bruise, and the only reason I would keep myself from coughing would be because my sides hurt so much, I can't help but wince everytime I cough. I'd rather suffer the tickle in the throat than pain in the side. Ouch...

This morning, I was feeling a little down. ILC felt as though it would go on forever. The lecturer was so annoying...I mean, how can you laugh at a student's POV just because it doesn't make sense to you? And I can never stand people who read from the textbook and expect students to answer.

YESTERDAY IN THE HISTORY OF WINNIE

 

I went to see the doctor.

 

Fuh…I didn’t know stepping into the college clinic would be so tough. I walked towards the clinic, turned left towards the cafeteria, turned back towards the clinic, walked passed it to the bookshop, turned around and walked back before I actually went into the clinic. Talk about doctor-o-phobia…

 

I was placing my expectations kinda low, but the whole clinic experience surpassed the lowest of my threshold with flying colours. When I went in, I walked towards the counter. Normally, that’s where people get registered and stuff, right? My first time ma…blur a bit… The lady sitting there was staring at this amazingly enchanting cicak just beyond my shoulder. It was so mesmerizing that she didn’t even make eye contact with me. I just stood there. 5 silent seconds later, she pointed to her left without letting her eyes stray from the cicak.

 

So, I walked to where she pointed, and ended up in the consultation room. I sat down. And look at the doctor. I said, ‘Good morning’. She paused………and said, ‘So?’

 

Wah lau…praise my patience. Is it a little too much to expect even a little courtesy and professionalism? You are a doctor, mind you…

 

I told her that I’ve been having cough for the past week.

 

And she asked. ‘So? Dry cough? Wet cough…?? Which one??’

 

??? Hello…lady…if I knew such stuff, I don’t have to be seeing you already ok? I can stop studying Psych and open my own clinic. It’s like someone taking Grade 1 piano, walking into a shop to buy a piano, and the salesman asks, ‘So? Grand? Baby grand? Harpischord? Clavichord? Digital? 88 keys? 85 keys? 2 pedals? 3 pedals? Which one???’

 

OKOK…so maybe I’m exaggerating a lil, but that was exactly how I felt.

 

And to top it off…

 

She asked for my ID number because I requested and MC. (Why did I do that anyway? I knew I was going to class…(??)) Students have 10 digit numbers, most of them starting from 1-0-0-0, and staff have 5 digit numbers starting from 1-0.

 

Mine is= 1000410862

 

So, I told her, ‘One thousand…’ and waited for her to write it down.

 

She wrote 1-0.

 

I repeated, ‘One thousand…’

 

She looked at me.

 

Fine…maybe her brain is so complexed that she can’t process simple numbers. So, I said ‘Zero…’

 

She wrote another ‘0’ behind the 1-0.

 

And I said, ‘Another one…’

 

…And then, there was light…

 

‘OHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! You are a student!!!!!!!’

 

<Adui…> Wei…I was wearing jeans and t-shirt ok? If I were wearing a blouse and slacks, she can be forgiven, but jeans and t-shirt?? Hmph…something tells me I must do something about my complexion…

 

I’m never going back to the clinic. I’d rather call 999 and have an ambulance bring me to the hospital.

Alright...I've just typed an extra long post, but after I clicked the 'publish' button, IE said, 'Page not found'.

I'm too tired to retype. Maybe tomorrow.

Alright. That's it. I'm tired of this cough. Tomorrow after ILC class, I'm going to see the doctor.

I really really can't stand the itch in my throat that's causing this cough. It's basically tickling the base of my lungs and making me choke on the air I'm breathing.

Since young, I hated doctors. I mean, who likes the idea of seeing doctors anyway? It means that something is wrong, isn't it? And I only remember seeing 4 doctors in my whole 18 years. The 'trusted' ones whose medication I know will work on me. Maybe its psychological, but till now, I'm having trouble trusting other doctors other than the ones I always see. I would know exactly what medication I'm getting. I'm used to seeing the same kind of medication, so, anything else would make me wary.

And since young, 'normal' medication won't work on me. I always needed higher dosages. Those extra 'kao' type. I have trouble settling for anything less. Like for cough, the normal cough syrup doesn't work. I would get these tiny green tablets instead. And I seriously don't remember the last time I got a cough. I really don't. It's been years.

<sigh...> But now, away from home ma...sometimes, just got to give in. Very hot and tired. I think I'm keeping my roommate awake by coughing the whole night. <paiseh...>

I WILL SEE THE DOCTOR LATER. I have to remember this...

OK...so...tabulating data is not as easy as I thought it would be...
I've been giving out surveys, asking people about addiction, for Psych 1's research paper. Now that the surveys are back, it's time for some deciphering...which is not easy considering that my survey form is less than perfect. I DID realise that having a lousy survey form would lead to loopholes in the results and not getting the answers I want. But, well...it's the first time doing this, so I have to try it out to see what works...

Turns out that I'm confusing myself with the results. There are some overlapping info, and some of the questions were misunderstood and some were just plain lousy answers....like this: 

Question = Why? (with regards to the question above it)

Answer = "Cos cos lor..."

<720 degree eye roll>

24 THINGS TO ALWAYS REMEMBER..
AND 1 THING TO NEVER FORGET..

1. your presence is a present to the world.
2. You're unique and one of a kind.
3. Your life can be what you want it to be.
4. Take the days just one at a time.
5. Count your blessings, not your troubles.
6. You'll make it through whatever comes along.
7. Within you are so many answers.
8. Understand, have courage, be strong.
9. Don't put limits on yourself.
10. So many dreams are waiting to be realized.
11. Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
12. Reach for your peak, your goal, and your prize.
13. Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
14. The longer one carries a problem, the heavier it gets.
15. Don't take things too seriously.
16. Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.
17. Remember that a little love goes a long way.
18. Remember that a lot . . . goes forever.
19. Remember that friendship is a wise investment.
20. Life's treasures are people . . . together.
21. Realize that it's never too late.
22. Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.
23. Have heath and hope and happiness.
24. Take the time to wish upon a star.
And don't ever forget . . .
For even a day . . .
How very special you are!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Being sick is terrible. Especially when it has been going on for over a week. Just by coughing over the phone, I've got my mum worried. <sigh...>

But it's OK. =) It's not possible to remain healthy all the while, would it? Just need to get through it, that's all~.

I was browsing through my pics to load on Friendster...and I realised that...in like, 99% of my pics, my eyes disappear when I smile. Those pics with me wearing specs are not that bad...coz the specs frame my eyes, but those with contacts on...haha! Really narrow slits...

Anyway, pics are very memorable, aren't they? Makes me realise how fast things change...but then again, it's not that fast after all...years have passed. So, here's a glance into the past.

SEA Games 2001: We were playcard holders for Taekwondo. This pic was taken with the Vietnam exponent and coach. Wow...I'm having trouble remembering I was actually there at the SEA Games...we performed during the opening ceremony at Johor's Dataran as well.
                                  

Black belts of 2003: See what 4 times of Taekwondo training a week can do to me? My face was so narrow! =P Yeap...imagine training for 5 hours straight every Sunday, and 2 hours each on Wednesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Fuh...how on earth did I manage to do that??
                             

My first (and last) sparring tounament 2002: The ONLY year that they gave out certificates to winners instead of medals... I got bronze. So, I trained hard for the next tournament the following year, but ended up not going coz it was too near my SPM trials, because my mum...well~ you know...
                             

Forum Perdana 2002: Haha! I don't believe I went through this! Basically, we had to make believe that we are having an impromptu discussion about 'serious' issues (ours was about the teaching of English and Maths in English...seems so insignificant now) with the added appropriate facial and body expressions. It was an interesting experience. Each team had to have a non-Bumi speaker in it. After our turn, people started coming up to me to comfirm if I was Malay or Chinese...hey~ I can't help it if I'm dark and speak like a Malay ma...