WinNie'S CorNeR

Monday, October 17, 2005

BRAKES AND ACCELERATORS

I totally hit the brakes last week. Full stop. I felt split into two. On one side, everything seemed to zoom past me, but on the other side, I felt that no thing and no one could keep up with me. I was frustrated. I took some things too seriously. And I neglected the rest. Tough~

On Thursday, after talking to a counselor, I was shaking my head in disbelieve. I had a hard time comprehending that what I thought was best for the rest and me was the thing that was making me sink into such problems. My own beliefs had to be changed. I didn't know how to make myself feel better. I didn't know what to change. For once, I was yearing for someone to tell me what to do because I didn't know what to do. I really hit the brakes and let everything else fly pass.

Someone hit the accelerator for me the very next day. Sometimes, I really don't know how I would exist here if not for some of my friends. One of them is truly special. He's the brother I never had. He knows what's best for me when I don't know it, and although at that moment I will rebel, I'll also realise later that it was the best option at the moment. He's also the only one who has dared to tell me to do something and I'd obey...because I trust him. Well, that was not the first time he hit the accelerator for me, but this one was the most significant so far. It made me think a lot. Well, there's nothing I can do to repay except to pray for him.

The next thing I know, someone else hit the brakes. The whole scenario is not as easy as it seems. 2 people hit the brakes at the same time. One of them seems to think that the other is the problem. Another...well...I'm not sure. It was then that I realised that although other people were in the process of hitting the brakes, they could still help to hit the accelerator for other people. How strong they are to be able to do that.

One thing that struck my heart was that people who seem close to each other are actually farther apart than they appear to be. If only we could sit down and be truly honest with one another...we would be able to solve what's bugging our inner most conscience. And be better friends and teammates.

Well...that's always something to work towards to. =)

Posted at 10:28 pm by wei_ling
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MOOD SWINGS UP UP AND opps...

Well...the little 'confession' yesterday worked. (or was it the choc sundae...hm...??)

I didn't wana get out of bed today. It felt too comfortable. But after I DID get up, everything felt much much better. Sounds lame, but I was actually feeling happy again. After cooking a turkey omelette for lunch, I happily went to college. The office was cold and quiet, but it didn't matter. Haha...for once, I was really...I don't know. Carefree. Someone said I changed my hairstyle and it looked good. (I didn't). Another friend said I looked different, new shirt? (No...I can't even count the amount of times I've worn that shirt to college). Weird huh? Feeling nice on the inside can change me that much on the outside? I don't believe it... Before I came back, another person said I was very sociable and happy today. (I was socia- what??)

Nothing much bothered me today. I had a test for ILC. The question was crap, but I really didn't expect the crap to be that crappy. I couldn't even understand the question, much less try to answer it. Hello...this is English, mind you. But lecturers don't have the liberty of setting questions regarding stuff they never taught ok? I actually glared at the lecturer when 3/4 of the class asked her what that question meant. Those people can barely piece a sentence with no grammatical or spelling errors. It's like asking a 3 year old to define E=MC2. Anyway, I didn't care much about it. I managed to fill up one whole page of foolscap paper with haphazard points, and handed up the paper 45 minutes before time was up.

I'm still happy. =) Hope I stay this way.

Posted at 8:31 pm by wei_ling
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Sunday, October 16, 2005

LESSON FROM CHOCOLATE SUNDAE

Today was the first time I went to Giant and came back with a bill that was less than 20 bucks. =) Hehe...I didn't go to get anything in particular anyway, I just wanted a walk, and it was nice and windy outside. I decided to...treat myself to lovely ice cream. Well, it's nothing like the one in the pic, that's just to make your saliva run...

Mine comes in a 500ml tub. Not those RM 9.99 premium stuff either...I'll be broke. I wanted to get Vienietta, but they only had vanilla. I can't pick vanilla when there are other chocolate ones around. I can't resist chocolate. So, I got choc sundae. I imagined smooth creamy vanilla ice cream with lots and lots of sticky bitter chocolate.

When I opened the tub, yups...everything was there...the vanilla ice cream, and the chocolate topping...but there was so little of the chocolate and so much vanilla =( I had only 1 scoop in the afternoon (I wanted more of coz) because...I went to jalan-jalan cari nothing-in-particular after I got the ice cream, and it was half melted by the time I got back.

Disappointed I suppose...out of the whole tub, only the top had choc, and I could see that the sides of the tub had some smatterings of choc here and there. In the middle was pure vanilla...it's not like the usual choc chip ice cream which has streaks of choc in the middle. I had a feeling that I'd be eating only vanilla ice cream...

Just 10 minutes ago, 4 hours after my 'dinner' (turkey meat + bamboo shoot in tomato sauce + macaroni...delicious!) I just decided to open the tub and ate from it straight while reading this really nice book (I'll talk about it later). I started scooping a tunnel down one side (I don't know why, I've always taken ice cream this way). And the deeper I dug, the more chocolate I discovered! =) Right at the very base of the tub, there's a layer of at least .5cm of pure dark bitter choc. Waaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh..................... satisfied! Happy =) Haha...not very difficult to make me happy huh?

THe moral of the story;

Don't think there's not enough chocolate in chocolate sundae before you dig to the very bottom of the tub!!! (open to your own interpretation)

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Zè book zát I vâs reading...is called 'To Bend Without Breaking'. On stress and how to deal with it. I'm extremely lousy at that. I can tell myself repeatedly to 'Don't sweat the small stuff. It doesn't matter.' I suppose my brain needs to learn how to define 'small stuff' a little better.

Hm...I suddenly realised something...since I ditched Guides some time ago, there's no one thing where I felt as though I was truly doing something joyful and enjoyful with my life. And I lost a huge circle of my social life too because I shut out the very people I socialised with for the past 7 years before.

And I lost music as a way of expressing myself as well. No more banging the piano in the middle of the day. No more staying back after school just to play caklempong. No more skipping classes to perform gamelan. No more dancing Taerobics to extra fast tunes. No more trying to run away from playing the school song and patriotic songs every Monday during assembly. No more singing the 'latest' R&B tunes in the music room. No more comparing ABRSM exam songs after music classes. No more panicking when a sight reading piece is in front of me. It's been about 2 years. Now that I think back, the moments I enjoyed most was performing with my friends...don't care how out of tuned we sounded.

Well...things have changed. I have yet to change. I have yet to move on.

Fuh...ok...confessions of a Psych student. Next up, convictions of a Psych student.

I will change. I will try. No matter how hard it is. No matter how many times I have to fall into exasperation stages before I succeed. I want to change.

Posted at 9:01 pm by wei_ling
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WEIRD PEOPLE DO WEIRD THINGS

Yeah...weird people do weird things. Like? Add coffee to Pepsi and call it Pepsi Tarik. Cool huh? I'm extremely curious to know what it tastes like. I like coffee, I'm fine with Pepsi...but together?

It's only marketed in Malaysia, but you can actually find it on eBay. For about 10 USD. Heh...

Posted at 3:45 pm by wei_ling
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Saturday, October 15, 2005

PARADISE

My paradise is...a home. My home. Well, not my curent home. An imaginery home.

A simple and elegant structure, white. With a sturdy wooden door. Brass knobs. Inside, there will be a cozy hall. Fluffy plump sofas...and a rocking chair. Lots of tall windows with sunlight pouring in, illuminating a beautiful chandelier high on the ceiling. Soft silky cream coloured carpets. There will be a tall vase of flowers at a corner. Pink roses and baby's breath. The curtains will be soft light purple. Behind them, a layer of sparklers. Lace in white on the top. Oh...and a fireplace. =)

There'll be a staircase, curved, tiled in shiny black marble. Upstairs, there will be 4 rooms. Mine would have different lavender hues on the walls (lighter than the one in my room at JB). On one side would be floor to ceiling glass windows. With deep rich velvety maroon curtains. On another wall, a king size bed with curtains all around it...and on the ceiling just above the bed, there'll be glow in the dark stars all over.

Another two rooms...for my kids maybe (if I ever have any). The last would be a guest room. Back downstairs, there'll be a second hall. Right in the middle, there's a black..no, white...sparkling white grand piano. And to one corner...an antique wooden cupboard with instruments...all shiny and new.

Further back is the kitchen...ah...heaven #2. There'll be an 'islet' in the middle with the stoves. 6 of them. And an oven below. A wide array of pots and pans hanging on one wall, and the baking accesories next to them. The dining table would be nearby. A sturdy wooden table with simple but elegantly carved chairs. Enough to sit 5 people.

A door at the kitchen opens out to a wooden deck. A green meadow behind my house. Up ahead are mountains. In the garden, I see flowers flowers and more flowers. A pond and a waterfall maybe...with fish in it.

Hm...something's missing...a dog. Lassie kind. Huge, warm and comforting.

Something else is missing. My imaginery family. A husband who loves me lots and kids for me to love. Yeaps...without them, the house means nothing. It isn't a home. It won't be paradise.With them, it doesn't matter if I'm living in a wooden hut. It will still be paradise.

Well...so much for daydreaming =) Back to reality.

Posted at 10:30 pm by wei_ling
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Friday, October 14, 2005

WOMEN's DICTIONARY

C'mon people...lets take a look at the dictionary...

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want

It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead

Haha...=)

Posted at 11:23 pm by wei_ling
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Thursday, October 13, 2005

WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING TO MYSELF LATELY

I've been torturing myself. Tormenting my brain. Supressing my feelings. Enduring pain.

WHAT is my problem anyway? I went for my PAL session this afternoon. I thought I could finally let go of stuff that I'm not suppose to be holding on to. We had a long talk about my expectations. We talked about relationships. We talked about group dynamics. We talked about handling other people. I managed to stump the counselor. But in the end, what he pointed out was true; it does not matter how things are done, or even if they HAVE been done. What mattered most was how I feel about myself. I walked out of the counseling room leaving behind 10kg of weights. I was uplifted.

I was late for class; but it didn't bother me. The lecturer was annoying as usual; but it didn't bother me. We had groupwork again, which I hate; but it didn't bother me. My ears were insulted with grammatical errors and bad pronounciation; but it didn't bother me. I didn't agree with the work we produced for the groupwork; but it didn't bother me.

NOTHING bothered me...until I got my Psych 1 assignment report through email 10 minutes ago. It's supposed to be handed up tomorrow. I dealt with the tabulating of data, and my group members came up with the report. I felt as though a 1000 tonne weight just crashed down. My Psych 1 research paper is at stake. I don't understand this. My expectations are so low that I can't limbo under them. But the standard of the report...my dear God...I can't express how frustrated I am right now. I'm exasperated. I'm at my wits end. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm disappointed. I'm on the verge of giving up.

I hate this. It's not me. Why am I feeling this way?

Posted at 9:12 pm by wei_ling
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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

INTERESTING...

I am feeling as though someone just kicked me in the ribs. Now I know what muscles are used when coughing. It's really as though there's a huge bruise, and the only reason I would keep myself from coughing would be because my sides hurt so much, I can't help but wince everytime I cough. I'd rather suffer the tickle in the throat than pain in the side. Ouch...

This morning, I was feeling a little down. ILC felt as though it would go on forever. The lecturer was so annoying...I mean, how can you laugh at a student's POV just because it doesn't make sense to you? And I can never stand people who read from the textbook and expect students to answer.

I came back home in the afternoon after duty. Could barely walk straight. Maybe someone could come up and wave a pendulum in front of me so that I'd fall into a trance or something. Then I won't have to feel so bad. This cough thingy...it's smart. It automatically gets worse at night and drifts away a little in the morning. Gets me wondering how great my brain is even without me knowing.

So, I lazed in bed the whole afternoon, sweating because of the heat, and decided that I needed a little entertainment. Which was why I just finished watching The Skeleton Key. Fuiyo...not for the weak hearted. I only realised that my whole body was tensed and that I was clenching my fists after the movie ended. I think I'm sticking to comedies after this...

It's interesting...how our minds can play tricks on us. Like in the movie. Things don't happen unless you believe in them. Simple self fulfilling prophecy. Hm...maybe I can repeat to myself 'I'm going to get 100% in Psych...I'm going to get 100% in Psych...' and it'll happen?? Haha...right...

Gosh...I'm really exhausted. I'm waiting for emails. I'm waiting for messages. But none is coming. So, I'd better go to sleep than sit here and wait.

Posted at 10:05 pm by wei_ling
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BLOGGING: ATTEMPT #2

YESTERDAY IN THE HISTORY OF WINNIE

I went to see the doctor.

Fuh…I didn’t know stepping into the college clinic would be so tough. I walked towards the clinic, turned left towards the cafeteria, turned back towards the clinic, walked passed it to the bookshop, turned around and walked back before I actually went into the clinic. Talk about doctor-o-phobia…

I was placing my expectations kinda low, but the whole clinic experience surpassed the lowest of my threshold with flying colours. When I went in, I walked towards the counter. Normally, that’s where people get registered and stuff, right? My first time ma…blur a bit… The lady sitting there was staring at this amazingly enchanting cicak just beyond my shoulder. It was so mesmerizing that she didn’t even make eye contact with me. I just stood there. 5 silent seconds later, she pointed to her left without letting her eyes stray from the cicak.

So, I walked to where she pointed, and ended up in the consultation room. I sat down. And look at the doctor. I said, ‘Good morning’. She paused………and said, ‘So?’

Wah lau…praise my patience. Is it a little too much to expect even a little courtesy and professionalism? You are a doctor, mind you…

I told her that I’ve been having cough for the past week.

And she asked. ‘So? Dry cough? Wet cough…?? Which one??’

??? Hello…lady…if I knew such stuff, I don’t have to be seeing you already ok? I can stop studying Psych and open my own clinic. It’s like someone taking Grade 1 piano, walking into a shop to buy a piano, and the salesman asks, ‘So? Grand? Baby grand? Harpischord? Clavichord? Digital? 88 keys? 85 keys? 2 pedals? 3 pedals? Which one???’

OKOK…so maybe I’m exaggerating a lil, but that was exactly how I felt.

And to top it off…

She asked for my ID number because I requested and MC. (Why did I do that anyway? I knew I was going to class…(??)) Students have 10 digit numbers, most of them starting from 1-0-0-0, and staff have 5 digit numbers starting from 1-0.

Mine is= 1000410862

So, I told her, ‘One thousand…’ and waited for her to write it down.

She wrote 1-0.

I repeated, ‘One thousand…’

She looked at me.

Fine…maybe her brain is so complexed that she can’t process simple numbers. So, I said ‘Zero…’

She wrote another ‘0’ behind the 1-0.

And I said, ‘Another one…’

…And then, there was light…

‘OHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! You are a student!!!!!!!’

<Adui…> Wei…I was wearing jeans and t-shirt ok? If I were wearing a blouse and slacks, she can be forgiven, but jeans and t-shirt?? Hmph…something tells me I must do something about my complexion…

I’m never going back to the clinic. I’d rather call 999 and have an ambulance bring me to the hospital.

Posted at 9:14 am by wei_ling
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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I HATE TUESDAYS

Alright...I've just typed an extra long post, but after I clicked the 'publish' button, IE said, 'Page not found'.

I'm too tired to retype. Maybe tomorrow.

Posted at 9:20 pm by wei_ling
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